My Miscarriage- Emotional Transition from Confusion to Hope

I left off last time with the fact that God is so awesome, He can use a seven year old with very little knowledge of the Bible to deliver a message of hope--all in a name. As I shared before, as part of the healing process that we decided to let our daughter name our lost son. Once we gave her the task, she quickly responded with very little thought that she wanted to name him Zechariah Dwayne Jones. I was impressed with her decisiveness. She then quickly wrote him a poem and made a birth certificate for his memory box. All of this took place on Wednesday, the same day that we found out about our loss.




My procedure took place on the following Monday at 12:50 pm. I was nervous about "going under" in the operating room, but continued to pray for peace and comfort. I kept hearing God say "fear not, I am with thee". I also prayed for strength to move forward after the procedure, as well as for a speedy recovery. My husband and I arrived at the surgery center at 10:15, two hours before the scheduled procedure, as we were instructed. The surgery center was part of Anne Arundel Medical Center in Annapolis. I can definitely say that if one has to endure something like this, this is the place to do so. The staff was extremely cordial and understanding. From the original intake nurse to all who I encountered, all were sincere in their wishes of condolences and very compassionate about my experience. It was as if God himself handpicked the individuals to surround and comfort me in the time of need. I was given a packet of information during my waiting period that included a poem by Susan Erling Martinez entitled "Just These Few Weeks" that I'd like to share:



For those few weeks-

I had you to myself.

And that seems too short a time

to be changed so profoundly.



In those few weeks-

I came to know you...

and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!



Just those few weeks-

When I lost you,

I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans, dreams and aspirations...

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.



Just those few weeks-

It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning the passing.



Just a mere few weeks-

And no "normal" person would cry all night

over a tiny, unfinished baby,

or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I?



You were just those few weeks my little one

you darted in and out of my life too quickly.

But it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life so much richer

and give me a small glimpse of eternity.



These words brought tears to my eyes immediately. The packet also included a guide for parents suffering a miscarriage that included explanations, statistics, different perspectives on miscarriage, grieving techniques, and support group information. The website is http://www.griefwatch.com/ and may be helpful to others in this situation.



After a series of questions, my husband was finally allowed to come back to wait with me until I was called into the operating room. We talked about our feelings of loss, and he assured me that we'd get through this and reassured me of his love for me. This meant a lot, as our relationship had been strained for several years. We listened to love songs on the ipod for the next hour and it was finally time. I was given an i.v. to take me under and all that I remember is the nurse telling my husband to go left and I was wheeled to the right into the operating room. Two hours later, I remember waking up in the recovery room, looking at the clock and astounded that I had absolutely no recollection of what took place. My doctor told my husband that the procedure went well and that I had very little bleeding. I was relieved that it was over and at the same time the finality set in that my womb was now lifeless and it was time to grieve and to simply wait to have my hormones and body return to the normal state. I was told prior to the procedure that the recovery period was 24 hours, therefore, I'd planned to return to work on Wednesday. I stayed off of my feet as instructed for 24 hours and was prescribed two medications for pain, Motrin 800 as well as Tylenol with codeine. Tuesday I felt fine with minimal bleeding and very little cramping so I was torn about whether I was psychologically ready to return to work the next day. My body was recovering so well that I didn't have a need for my pain medication at all. I simply relied on the heating pad for comfort.



Wednesday finally came and I figured I'd ease back into the process by working from home to catch up on emails and to get a grasp on all of the administrative tasks that I'd missed out on in my absence. I took my daughter to school and noticed after I dropped her off that my boss had left me a voicemail at 7:45am. I hadn't heard anything from him since I shared my loss with him and his response was to determine my "work status" and my return date back to work- very aloof and cold. I wasn't anxious to hear his message, but I decided to listen to the message as soon as I made it back home. I wasn't expecting much compassion, however, I was NOT expecting a very cold message with no regard to how I was feeling or about my recovery, a very straightforward direct question to where I would finish the month as it relates to my quota. I was utterly disgusted! As if I didn't already despise the company, my position and my division, this encounter solidified the fact that I was not ready to jump back in. I decided to go out on short term disability to provide myself with a mental break and some much needed relaxation. That morning, I'd been awakened at 4:30 am with the idea planted in my heart to create a blog.About a month or so prior, during my quiet time, I had the idea of S.O.A.R. given to me and had written it down in my journal. Now that I had some extra time on my hands, I contacted my spiritual sister to get some information, as I know she was familiar with a blogging website.  Despite my tumultuous experience over the prior week, God was "birthing" something out of my pain and I started my blog page.



Wednesday went by and I was doing well until Thursday late afternoon. Suddenly I experienced intense cramping that felt equivalent to labor pains and included extreme back pain with chills to boot. I didn't have a fever, however, I now needed to take the Tylenol with codeine, as the Motrin did nothing for the pain. I also had a severe headache and passed several clots. I was thankful that I had not returned to work, as I could not get out of the bed except to use the bathroom.  Thankfully, I endured this episode until Saturday afternoon and then felt much better.  I was awakened Sunday morning with the idea of researching what the book of Zechariah was in the Bible on my heart.  It was amazing once I took a look.  Zechariah was a prophet that was used by God to send messages of mercy to his people after 70 years of Judah's captivity.  It was a time to return and rebuild.  The temple would be built again, and God would once again dwell among his people and make them prosper.  God himself would judge their enemies.  A series of visions in Zechariah tell of cleansing and renewal-- of restored hope.  The vision of the priest with filthy garments, reclothed by God in glistening , pure clothes, is a fitting image of the restoration of the people.  And Zechariah's prophecies about the Messiah offerd hope and inspiration to the people.  God had used my seven year old daughter to deliver a message of hope in a time of crisis, and I just knew then that this was no mistake.  I have since realized that this entire ordeal is part of a plan for my ministry being "birthed" out of my pain and was ecstatic that God was using me as a vessel.  I now understand that not only my marriage will be used for His glory, but the pain I've experienced in my life as well, and I now have a venue to do His work.  I will trust Him completely and wait expectantly and intently to see what He has in store.  The verse "..all things God works for the food fo those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" now has brand new meaning!!

I will continue next time with how glimpses of my marital relationship improving have given me hope in this area as well.  GOD IS AWESOME!!




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