Anyone who knows me well understands that I abhor my current job. Everything about it makes me cringe, except for the check, no matter how meager it is, that is deposited into my bank account every few weeks. I have to be thankful that I at least have a job, and can add to the bottom line of my household.
I have dreamed of owning a business and becoming a Commercial Realtor for several years. I've even gotten so far as to get my real estate license a few years ago and to join a few brokers. The challenge has been that none of the brokers could support my dream of entering into the commercial realm. Either one broker wants me to jump in full time with no guarantee of salary, or another just doesn't have the resources or provide the support that I need to learn and grow into this business to effectively consult my clients. I've made some great connections already--with investors, business owners, a few bankers, commercial lenders, and even a connection with an individual who works in the DC Department of Economic Development. I've had several large opportunities fall right through the cracks due to a lack of support and know-how to pursue and close the deals.
However, God knows the desires of our hearts and He does not want us to give up. Last week, I'd entertained the idea of attending a small business meeting held in my county to learn more about financing for a new business as well as commercial options. The night before, I stayed up much too late writing a blog that had been on my heart for awhile. Because I knew I'd be exhausted the next morning, I prayed to God that it if was meant for me to attend the meeting that next morning, He'd wake me up before my alarm clock went off. Sure enough, ten minutes before the alarm was to sound, I was fearfully awakened by what I thought were noises in the kitchen--only to find that they were noises of the icemaker on the freezer. I looked at the clock thinking it was the middle of the night to learn that I had five minutes to get out of bed and get ready to attend the meeting after dropping my daughter off to school. Little did I know that I'd meet multiple small business owners who were looking to acquire commercial property in the future, as well as a commercial representative who would lead me to her broker-a newly formed commercial division of Keller Williams, right here in PG County! The broker's office is a mere 10 minutes from my daughter's school, and the training and support provided is phenomenal from what I can see so far. I met with the rep today, and she has given me the names of the two individuals that I would need to speak to in order to get started.
Now, I have no idea how this is to work, as I still rely on my paycheck from my current position to assist with household bills. However, this meeting was orchestrated by God, and I am going to trust Him and take the steps of faith by following through on the meetings, etc. and move a few steps closer to my dream. I'm waiting in expectation to see how He'll work it all out--He's always faithful and we can't put Him in a box as to how he'll do the impossible!!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Patience in Restoration-- Seeing God's Promise Coming To Pass
It has been awhile since my last post, I guess I was a bit exasperated after sharing my tragedy. I decided on Monday that I was simply not ready to return to work, despite already having a few weeks off after my miscarrriage. I've since had a few "low" days, as I found myself at home with so much time on my hands and simply watching the "boob tube" to kill the time between dropping my daughter off at school at 8 and picking her up by 3pm.
This is far different from my feelings of elation last week after my remarkable revelation of restoration and rebuilding . I now realize that the enemy is trying to steal my joy during this time, as he knows how close I am to walking right into my season! Therefore, I have to take a step back and examine what has miraculously happened over the last week. As you may recall from my earlier posts, my marriage has been severely strained for a period of 4 years. I have cried a lot of tears, have had a lot of anger, have prayed, oh I've faithfully prayed. Knowing that God wanted to use my marriage as a testimony to others was the "string" that sometimes held me together during this rough time. Most of the challenges have derived from an assumed breach of trust, an incident that has driven a wedge between me and the man that I love so dearly. What makes matters worse is that all along I've known that the mere fact that this so called "incident" has had such a stronghold on my marriage definitely attests to the fact that this battle is not about flesh and blood. It's clearly a spiritual battle, one that can only be won with the power of my Almighty Father above. Well, being a Christian and having faith, this should be easy, right? Of course not! If anyone has ever been falsely accused and continued to pay the "price" of trying to rebuild assumed broken trust in a marriage for 4 consecutive years amongst job loss, financial troubles, misery in Corporate America, and the arduous task of raising a young daughter, one can and does get very weary. All I can say is God brought me through and standing on His word carried me on when I felt I could go no longer. His strength really is made perfect in our weakness if we simply confess our feelings of inadequacy to Him. God is awesome! Sometimes, however, when we are focusing on one area of our lives (my work situation and how it will all work out), we can miss the blessings that come in other areas of our lives if we're not careful. You see, over the past week, I now realize that it is as if God breathed new "life" into my marriage. I seemed to have overnight regained the affections of my husband, which means so much to me. Miraculously and suddenly, he looks at me with love instead of disdain, wants to talk to me constantly, and wants to renew a sense of intimacy that we've lacked for so long! The restoration has begun! My husband even overlooked our financial hardships to focus on the additional time I needed away from work and even willingly offered to pick up my slack on his second job. This is huge!! Monumental!! Phenomenal!! I want to bask in this and NOT let the enemy steal my joy.
My lesson in this that I'd like to share is simple. It's all about our focus. If we focus on God and how faithful He is, and the blessings that we receive every day, we will be in a posture of gratefulness, and will not miss the blessings that we may have prayed for incessantly. Conversely, if we focus on our circumstances (there's always something in our lives that we're not happy about) then we may miss giving God the praise that He so deserves. Have patience, read the word, and KNOW THAT GOD IS FAITHFUL!! This is the season for harvest, and I know that I don't want to miss it!!!!!
This is far different from my feelings of elation last week after my remarkable revelation of restoration and rebuilding . I now realize that the enemy is trying to steal my joy during this time, as he knows how close I am to walking right into my season! Therefore, I have to take a step back and examine what has miraculously happened over the last week. As you may recall from my earlier posts, my marriage has been severely strained for a period of 4 years. I have cried a lot of tears, have had a lot of anger, have prayed, oh I've faithfully prayed. Knowing that God wanted to use my marriage as a testimony to others was the "string" that sometimes held me together during this rough time. Most of the challenges have derived from an assumed breach of trust, an incident that has driven a wedge between me and the man that I love so dearly. What makes matters worse is that all along I've known that the mere fact that this so called "incident" has had such a stronghold on my marriage definitely attests to the fact that this battle is not about flesh and blood. It's clearly a spiritual battle, one that can only be won with the power of my Almighty Father above. Well, being a Christian and having faith, this should be easy, right? Of course not! If anyone has ever been falsely accused and continued to pay the "price" of trying to rebuild assumed broken trust in a marriage for 4 consecutive years amongst job loss, financial troubles, misery in Corporate America, and the arduous task of raising a young daughter, one can and does get very weary. All I can say is God brought me through and standing on His word carried me on when I felt I could go no longer. His strength really is made perfect in our weakness if we simply confess our feelings of inadequacy to Him. God is awesome! Sometimes, however, when we are focusing on one area of our lives (my work situation and how it will all work out), we can miss the blessings that come in other areas of our lives if we're not careful. You see, over the past week, I now realize that it is as if God breathed new "life" into my marriage. I seemed to have overnight regained the affections of my husband, which means so much to me. Miraculously and suddenly, he looks at me with love instead of disdain, wants to talk to me constantly, and wants to renew a sense of intimacy that we've lacked for so long! The restoration has begun! My husband even overlooked our financial hardships to focus on the additional time I needed away from work and even willingly offered to pick up my slack on his second job. This is huge!! Monumental!! Phenomenal!! I want to bask in this and NOT let the enemy steal my joy.
My lesson in this that I'd like to share is simple. It's all about our focus. If we focus on God and how faithful He is, and the blessings that we receive every day, we will be in a posture of gratefulness, and will not miss the blessings that we may have prayed for incessantly. Conversely, if we focus on our circumstances (there's always something in our lives that we're not happy about) then we may miss giving God the praise that He so deserves. Have patience, read the word, and KNOW THAT GOD IS FAITHFUL!! This is the season for harvest, and I know that I don't want to miss it!!!!!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
My Miscarriage- Emotional Transition from Confusion to Hope
I left off last time with the fact that God is so awesome, He can use a seven year old with very little knowledge of the Bible to deliver a message of hope--all in a name. As I shared before, as part of the healing process that we decided to let our daughter name our lost son. Once we gave her the task, she quickly responded with very little thought that she wanted to name him Zechariah Dwayne Jones. I was impressed with her decisiveness. She then quickly wrote him a poem and made a birth certificate for his memory box. All of this took place on Wednesday, the same day that we found out about our loss.
My procedure took place on the following Monday at 12:50 pm. I was nervous about "going under" in the operating room, but continued to pray for peace and comfort. I kept hearing God say "fear not, I am with thee". I also prayed for strength to move forward after the procedure, as well as for a speedy recovery. My husband and I arrived at the surgery center at 10:15, two hours before the scheduled procedure, as we were instructed. The surgery center was part of Anne Arundel Medical Center in Annapolis. I can definitely say that if one has to endure something like this, this is the place to do so. The staff was extremely cordial and understanding. From the original intake nurse to all who I encountered, all were sincere in their wishes of condolences and very compassionate about my experience. It was as if God himself handpicked the individuals to surround and comfort me in the time of need. I was given a packet of information during my waiting period that included a poem by Susan Erling Martinez entitled "Just These Few Weeks" that I'd like to share:
For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
These words brought tears to my eyes immediately. The packet also included a guide for parents suffering a miscarriage that included explanations, statistics, different perspectives on miscarriage, grieving techniques, and support group information. The website is http://www.griefwatch.com/ and may be helpful to others in this situation.
After a series of questions, my husband was finally allowed to come back to wait with me until I was called into the operating room. We talked about our feelings of loss, and he assured me that we'd get through this and reassured me of his love for me. This meant a lot, as our relationship had been strained for several years. We listened to love songs on the ipod for the next hour and it was finally time. I was given an i.v. to take me under and all that I remember is the nurse telling my husband to go left and I was wheeled to the right into the operating room. Two hours later, I remember waking up in the recovery room, looking at the clock and astounded that I had absolutely no recollection of what took place. My doctor told my husband that the procedure went well and that I had very little bleeding. I was relieved that it was over and at the same time the finality set in that my womb was now lifeless and it was time to grieve and to simply wait to have my hormones and body return to the normal state. I was told prior to the procedure that the recovery period was 24 hours, therefore, I'd planned to return to work on Wednesday. I stayed off of my feet as instructed for 24 hours and was prescribed two medications for pain, Motrin 800 as well as Tylenol with codeine. Tuesday I felt fine with minimal bleeding and very little cramping so I was torn about whether I was psychologically ready to return to work the next day. My body was recovering so well that I didn't have a need for my pain medication at all. I simply relied on the heating pad for comfort.
Wednesday finally came and I figured I'd ease back into the process by working from home to catch up on emails and to get a grasp on all of the administrative tasks that I'd missed out on in my absence. I took my daughter to school and noticed after I dropped her off that my boss had left me a voicemail at 7:45am. I hadn't heard anything from him since I shared my loss with him and his response was to determine my "work status" and my return date back to work- very aloof and cold. I wasn't anxious to hear his message, but I decided to listen to the message as soon as I made it back home. I wasn't expecting much compassion, however, I was NOT expecting a very cold message with no regard to how I was feeling or about my recovery, a very straightforward direct question to where I would finish the month as it relates to my quota. I was utterly disgusted! As if I didn't already despise the company, my position and my division, this encounter solidified the fact that I was not ready to jump back in. I decided to go out on short term disability to provide myself with a mental break and some much needed relaxation. That morning, I'd been awakened at 4:30 am with the idea planted in my heart to create a blog.About a month or so prior, during my quiet time, I had the idea of S.O.A.R. given to me and had written it down in my journal. Now that I had some extra time on my hands, I contacted my spiritual sister to get some information, as I know she was familiar with a blogging website. Despite my tumultuous experience over the prior week, God was "birthing" something out of my pain and I started my blog page.
Wednesday went by and I was doing well until Thursday late afternoon. Suddenly I experienced intense cramping that felt equivalent to labor pains and included extreme back pain with chills to boot. I didn't have a fever, however, I now needed to take the Tylenol with codeine, as the Motrin did nothing for the pain. I also had a severe headache and passed several clots. I was thankful that I had not returned to work, as I could not get out of the bed except to use the bathroom. Thankfully, I endured this episode until Saturday afternoon and then felt much better. I was awakened Sunday morning with the idea of researching what the book of Zechariah was in the Bible on my heart. It was amazing once I took a look. Zechariah was a prophet that was used by God to send messages of mercy to his people after 70 years of Judah's captivity. It was a time to return and rebuild. The temple would be built again, and God would once again dwell among his people and make them prosper. God himself would judge their enemies. A series of visions in Zechariah tell of cleansing and renewal-- of restored hope. The vision of the priest with filthy garments, reclothed by God in glistening , pure clothes, is a fitting image of the restoration of the people. And Zechariah's prophecies about the Messiah offerd hope and inspiration to the people. God had used my seven year old daughter to deliver a message of hope in a time of crisis, and I just knew then that this was no mistake. I have since realized that this entire ordeal is part of a plan for my ministry being "birthed" out of my pain and was ecstatic that God was using me as a vessel. I now understand that not only my marriage will be used for His glory, but the pain I've experienced in my life as well, and I now have a venue to do His work. I will trust Him completely and wait expectantly and intently to see what He has in store. The verse "..all things God works for the food fo those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" now has brand new meaning!!
I will continue next time with how glimpses of my marital relationship improving have given me hope in this area as well. GOD IS AWESOME!!
1 – 1 of 1
My procedure took place on the following Monday at 12:50 pm. I was nervous about "going under" in the operating room, but continued to pray for peace and comfort. I kept hearing God say "fear not, I am with thee". I also prayed for strength to move forward after the procedure, as well as for a speedy recovery. My husband and I arrived at the surgery center at 10:15, two hours before the scheduled procedure, as we were instructed. The surgery center was part of Anne Arundel Medical Center in Annapolis. I can definitely say that if one has to endure something like this, this is the place to do so. The staff was extremely cordial and understanding. From the original intake nurse to all who I encountered, all were sincere in their wishes of condolences and very compassionate about my experience. It was as if God himself handpicked the individuals to surround and comfort me in the time of need. I was given a packet of information during my waiting period that included a poem by Susan Erling Martinez entitled "Just These Few Weeks" that I'd like to share:
For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
These words brought tears to my eyes immediately. The packet also included a guide for parents suffering a miscarriage that included explanations, statistics, different perspectives on miscarriage, grieving techniques, and support group information. The website is http://www.griefwatch.com/ and may be helpful to others in this situation.
After a series of questions, my husband was finally allowed to come back to wait with me until I was called into the operating room. We talked about our feelings of loss, and he assured me that we'd get through this and reassured me of his love for me. This meant a lot, as our relationship had been strained for several years. We listened to love songs on the ipod for the next hour and it was finally time. I was given an i.v. to take me under and all that I remember is the nurse telling my husband to go left and I was wheeled to the right into the operating room. Two hours later, I remember waking up in the recovery room, looking at the clock and astounded that I had absolutely no recollection of what took place. My doctor told my husband that the procedure went well and that I had very little bleeding. I was relieved that it was over and at the same time the finality set in that my womb was now lifeless and it was time to grieve and to simply wait to have my hormones and body return to the normal state. I was told prior to the procedure that the recovery period was 24 hours, therefore, I'd planned to return to work on Wednesday. I stayed off of my feet as instructed for 24 hours and was prescribed two medications for pain, Motrin 800 as well as Tylenol with codeine. Tuesday I felt fine with minimal bleeding and very little cramping so I was torn about whether I was psychologically ready to return to work the next day. My body was recovering so well that I didn't have a need for my pain medication at all. I simply relied on the heating pad for comfort.
Wednesday finally came and I figured I'd ease back into the process by working from home to catch up on emails and to get a grasp on all of the administrative tasks that I'd missed out on in my absence. I took my daughter to school and noticed after I dropped her off that my boss had left me a voicemail at 7:45am. I hadn't heard anything from him since I shared my loss with him and his response was to determine my "work status" and my return date back to work- very aloof and cold. I wasn't anxious to hear his message, but I decided to listen to the message as soon as I made it back home. I wasn't expecting much compassion, however, I was NOT expecting a very cold message with no regard to how I was feeling or about my recovery, a very straightforward direct question to where I would finish the month as it relates to my quota. I was utterly disgusted! As if I didn't already despise the company, my position and my division, this encounter solidified the fact that I was not ready to jump back in. I decided to go out on short term disability to provide myself with a mental break and some much needed relaxation. That morning, I'd been awakened at 4:30 am with the idea planted in my heart to create a blog.About a month or so prior, during my quiet time, I had the idea of S.O.A.R. given to me and had written it down in my journal. Now that I had some extra time on my hands, I contacted my spiritual sister to get some information, as I know she was familiar with a blogging website. Despite my tumultuous experience over the prior week, God was "birthing" something out of my pain and I started my blog page.
Wednesday went by and I was doing well until Thursday late afternoon. Suddenly I experienced intense cramping that felt equivalent to labor pains and included extreme back pain with chills to boot. I didn't have a fever, however, I now needed to take the Tylenol with codeine, as the Motrin did nothing for the pain. I also had a severe headache and passed several clots. I was thankful that I had not returned to work, as I could not get out of the bed except to use the bathroom. Thankfully, I endured this episode until Saturday afternoon and then felt much better. I was awakened Sunday morning with the idea of researching what the book of Zechariah was in the Bible on my heart. It was amazing once I took a look. Zechariah was a prophet that was used by God to send messages of mercy to his people after 70 years of Judah's captivity. It was a time to return and rebuild. The temple would be built again, and God would once again dwell among his people and make them prosper. God himself would judge their enemies. A series of visions in Zechariah tell of cleansing and renewal-- of restored hope. The vision of the priest with filthy garments, reclothed by God in glistening , pure clothes, is a fitting image of the restoration of the people. And Zechariah's prophecies about the Messiah offerd hope and inspiration to the people. God had used my seven year old daughter to deliver a message of hope in a time of crisis, and I just knew then that this was no mistake. I have since realized that this entire ordeal is part of a plan for my ministry being "birthed" out of my pain and was ecstatic that God was using me as a vessel. I now understand that not only my marriage will be used for His glory, but the pain I've experienced in my life as well, and I now have a venue to do His work. I will trust Him completely and wait expectantly and intently to see what He has in store. The verse "..all things God works for the food fo those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" now has brand new meaning!!
I will continue next time with how glimpses of my marital relationship improving have given me hope in this area as well. GOD IS AWESOME!!
1 – 1 of 1
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Aftermath of My Miscarriage
I left off on yesterday with mixed emotions after the failed pregnancy and the decision now needing to be made on whether to commit to having the d & c procedure performed to remove the yolk sak and remnants of the pregnancy, or to allow my body to miscarry naturally. I left the imaging center after speaking with my doctor VERY CONFUSED emotionally. I remember crying for a few moments as I shared the news with my husband, my sister and brother and finally my best friend/spritual sister. It was very strange that I wasn't expecting this "miracle" in the first place, had mixed emotions surrounding the pregnancy, and now had to try and wrap my mind around the sudden thought of NOT being pregnant and even worse-now having to share the bad news with all that we told in our exuberance-- especially my daughter. I remember sending out a group text message to most of my friends hoping that no phone calls would follow, and thinking "how will we tell my daughter and simply break her heart?" I also considered her friends and all the people at her school, girl scouts, and the like. There was an underlying spirit of shame, despite the ordeal being outside of my control, an irrational helplessness, and at the same time, I did not want the pity of those not really close to me regarding my personal tragedy. These series of events were truly an emotional roller coaster!
My husband and I decided that the d & c would be best to remove the element of surprise and to also bring about a finality to the entire fiasco. I scheduled the procedure for the following Monday, which was five days away. I realized how good God was when I had my best friend to talk to about everything, as she'd just suffered a miscarriage two months prior to the day . I was able to ask her questions about how she broke the news to her kids, what to expect with the procedure, the recovery time, etc. She shared it all on the trip from the imaging center to my daughter's school, and I realized also that even though I felt that I was there for her during her crisis, we really don't know what a woman goes through in this situation unless we've personally gone through it. Now it was time--I was parked in front of the school with lumps in my now lifeless belly and reluctant to go in. My husband and I decided that I would tell my daughter in the car since we knew that she'd be excited and anxious to see the picture of her brother from my doctor visit. I prayed for strength, wiped the tears from my eyes and moved forward. When I arrived at her classroom, she jumped for joy and immediately asked to see the picture. I nonchalantly told her that we'd talk about it outside. As if God himself was giving me more time and reassurance that all is in His hands, the aftercare provider who attends my church told me about a story of faith surrounding a sick member in our congregation who passed away after 11 years-- only after she'd completed all that she wanted to with her children, even after the doctors initially gave her a prognosis of two months to live. We discussed how God had all the power in His hands and was good all the time. Despite the fact that she had no idea what I was going through, her story gave me hope.
My daughter and I walked out of the school and she asked again to see the picture. I told her that unfortunately there were problems with the pregnancy and that her brother did not make it--he went home to be with God. She burst into tears and I did my best to console her. She immediately wanted to speak to her father, and we talked together about how God is in control and that instead of bringing her brother into the world with health problems, God chose to take him home to heaven where there would be no pain or suffering. We told her that she could name him whatever she wanted and we'd make pictures, write poems, and keep a memory box that we'd dedicate to him. My daughter sobbed uncontrollably for awhile, and I realized that all of her hopes and dreams of becoming a "big sister" came to a sudden halt. I told her that she could call my best friend's 10 year old daughter when she was ready, that she could share how she got through it. We arrived home and my husband met us in the kitchen where we all shared a hug that encompassed all of our grief and at the same time embodied the strength that would get us through the pain together as a family.
I will continue next time with how God uses our children to bring forth messages of hope--what's in a name? Zechariah Dwayne Jones..........
My husband and I decided that the d & c would be best to remove the element of surprise and to also bring about a finality to the entire fiasco. I scheduled the procedure for the following Monday, which was five days away. I realized how good God was when I had my best friend to talk to about everything, as she'd just suffered a miscarriage two months prior to the day . I was able to ask her questions about how she broke the news to her kids, what to expect with the procedure, the recovery time, etc. She shared it all on the trip from the imaging center to my daughter's school, and I realized also that even though I felt that I was there for her during her crisis, we really don't know what a woman goes through in this situation unless we've personally gone through it. Now it was time--I was parked in front of the school with lumps in my now lifeless belly and reluctant to go in. My husband and I decided that I would tell my daughter in the car since we knew that she'd be excited and anxious to see the picture of her brother from my doctor visit. I prayed for strength, wiped the tears from my eyes and moved forward. When I arrived at her classroom, she jumped for joy and immediately asked to see the picture. I nonchalantly told her that we'd talk about it outside. As if God himself was giving me more time and reassurance that all is in His hands, the aftercare provider who attends my church told me about a story of faith surrounding a sick member in our congregation who passed away after 11 years-- only after she'd completed all that she wanted to with her children, even after the doctors initially gave her a prognosis of two months to live. We discussed how God had all the power in His hands and was good all the time. Despite the fact that she had no idea what I was going through, her story gave me hope.
My daughter and I walked out of the school and she asked again to see the picture. I told her that unfortunately there were problems with the pregnancy and that her brother did not make it--he went home to be with God. She burst into tears and I did my best to console her. She immediately wanted to speak to her father, and we talked together about how God is in control and that instead of bringing her brother into the world with health problems, God chose to take him home to heaven where there would be no pain or suffering. We told her that she could name him whatever she wanted and we'd make pictures, write poems, and keep a memory box that we'd dedicate to him. My daughter sobbed uncontrollably for awhile, and I realized that all of her hopes and dreams of becoming a "big sister" came to a sudden halt. I told her that she could call my best friend's 10 year old daughter when she was ready, that she could share how she got through it. We arrived home and my husband met us in the kitchen where we all shared a hug that encompassed all of our grief and at the same time embodied the strength that would get us through the pain together as a family.
I will continue next time with how God uses our children to bring forth messages of hope--what's in a name? Zechariah Dwayne Jones..........
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Pain and Confusion of My Miscarriage
My husband and I have been through some rough times over the past 5 years. I expected that we'd have some major challenges, because God whispered to me before we even got married that our marriage would be a ministry to others. The plot is by the enemy to STEAL, KILL and DESTROY before we can reach our destiny. Anyway, 71/2 years ago, we were blessed with our wonderful daughter. After having her as an only child for so long, I teetered with the idea of having another--speaking to myself with jargon such as "am I cut out for more than one child?" "it's much more acceptable these days to have an only child", etc.
About 31/2 years ago, we decided (I was scared out of my mind) to try to have another and I stopped taking birth control. I kept saying to myself that it was "God's will", because one day I would be excited, and the next I was indifferent, despite the fact that I knew that both my husband and daughter were exuberant behind the idea. My daughter yearned to be a 'big sister" and my husband wanted a second chance to raise a baby boy. A year passed, and we did not get pregnant. I remember going to the gynecologist and her asking if we wanted to run some tests to determine the possible challenge. I again decided that it was "God's will" and maybe he was telling us that we should adopt or become foster parents later on. As trials kept appearing in our marriage, I felt it was a blessing that we never became pregnant. Fast forward to September 2009, after a tumultuous summer, the roughest financial situation we've ever faced, and the season in my marriage where we're both simply holding on and trying to make it through. I discover to my surprise that I am 4 weeks pregnant! What is God doing? I kept thinking to myself that HE has a plan that I obviously know nothing about. We had pretty much given up on the idea and since we hadn't conceived in such a long time, had not thought twice about my going back on birth control. As you can imagine, I went through a spectrum of emotions: fear of how it all was going to work with our current finances and one child already in private school; wonder of how God was going to use this in my marriage with all of the ongoing challenges we were facing; fear of starting over with a newborn after so much time had passed; and at the same time, my daughter was ecstatic! She finally could become the big sister she had prayed about. My husband, despite having doubts on how it would all work was excited about his baby boy (I had it in my heart that it was a boy) and I did so enjoy the attention that his excitement about the gift I was carrying brought to me, as our intimacy level prior to was not where I would have liked it. I kept telling myself that if God wanted to bring another life through me, then it was "His Will" and I was ready to be used. I registered on a website called babycenter.com, in order to share what was happening to my body and the weekly developments of the baby with my daughter. We spread the word of the pregnancy with all of our close friends and family, while my daughter told everyone that she could, her classmates, her fellow girl scouts, her teachers, her hairdresser--anyone who would listen! After all of the congratulatory wishes, and daily concern shown by my husband and daughter, the understanding bestowed upon me when I was too tired to do anything around the house and my husband happy to pick up the slack, I was just starting to get used to the idea. We even went back and forth on what the name would be, and I looked forward to the month of May 2010 as one that would bring forth a new beginning.
My first pre-natal check up was scheduled for Wednesday, October 14th and the day before I got into a small fender bender on the way to my daughter's school. I thought nothing of it, as there was no damage besides a slightly bent license plate and a small scratch to either vehicle. My husband could not make the appointment the next day due to some conflicts with his work schedule, so I went alone. Since my appointment was scheduled for 1:00, I figured I would work from home and then reserve the afternoon for the doctor visit. I went through all of the paperwork, took a urine test, and finally got to meet my doctor. She was young, hip, and very fun--a huge contrast to the doctor that was involved with the pregnancy of my daughter-I was excited! I had been dragging my feet and was finally going to get my prenatal pills and solidify the idea in my mind that I was really having another child. I even shared with my daughter that we might get a picture of the baby that we could hang on the refrigerator. All was going smooth, until my doctor performed her in-office ultrasound. She looked and looked, but could not find a fetus, all that she could make out was a yolk sak on the ultrasound. She seemed a bit concerned, but told me that maybe I was less than 10 weeks pregnant as they had calculated, and that she'd send me to get an emergency vaginal ultrasound immediately following my visit to do my bloodwork. It was wierd, but I am not typically the worrying type. I prayed and realized that my husband kept calling my cell phone to see how the visit was going. I finally called him on my way to the lab and told him what the doctor told me--he, of course, was very concerned. I assured him that I would keep him posted once I got to the imaging center and went on my way. The center was extremely crowded that afternoon, and I had to wait at least an hour to be seen. During the wait, I sent out a text message to my close family and friends to share what was going on. I was calm and I felt the Holy Spirit whisper the scripture of James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing yo your faith develops perseverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
When the tech finally called me back, I was ready. She started off with the normal smalltalk around how many children I have now, asking if I wanted a boy or girl, etc. While I was on the table with the machine pushed against the wall, I could see to my right the same pictures that my doctor saw in her office--there was a yolk sak, but no fetus. The tech did the best she could to keep talking as if nothing was wrong, but I knew in my heart what was wrong and now had to wait for the official confirmation by my doctor once she received the results. I then had to go back into the waiting area for another half hour before I was finally called into a tiny room with a phone and a chair to hear the news. My doctor described it as my body knowing that something was not right in the development and ceasing the process on its own. The confusing part was when did the process stop and why did I still look and have the pregnancy symptoms? I was then told that I had the choice of letting my body officially miscarry on its own which could take up to a month or so, or preparing for a d & c procedure to remove the yolk sak from my uterus. If I chose the latter, then I would need to come to her office on Friday for one blood test and we could then schedule the procedure. Ok God, What is this????? I was officially confused.
I will continue next time with what my decision was, dealing with my emotions, and finally sharing the news with everyone, especially my daughter.
About 31/2 years ago, we decided (I was scared out of my mind) to try to have another and I stopped taking birth control. I kept saying to myself that it was "God's will", because one day I would be excited, and the next I was indifferent, despite the fact that I knew that both my husband and daughter were exuberant behind the idea. My daughter yearned to be a 'big sister" and my husband wanted a second chance to raise a baby boy. A year passed, and we did not get pregnant. I remember going to the gynecologist and her asking if we wanted to run some tests to determine the possible challenge. I again decided that it was "God's will" and maybe he was telling us that we should adopt or become foster parents later on. As trials kept appearing in our marriage, I felt it was a blessing that we never became pregnant. Fast forward to September 2009, after a tumultuous summer, the roughest financial situation we've ever faced, and the season in my marriage where we're both simply holding on and trying to make it through. I discover to my surprise that I am 4 weeks pregnant! What is God doing? I kept thinking to myself that HE has a plan that I obviously know nothing about. We had pretty much given up on the idea and since we hadn't conceived in such a long time, had not thought twice about my going back on birth control. As you can imagine, I went through a spectrum of emotions: fear of how it all was going to work with our current finances and one child already in private school; wonder of how God was going to use this in my marriage with all of the ongoing challenges we were facing; fear of starting over with a newborn after so much time had passed; and at the same time, my daughter was ecstatic! She finally could become the big sister she had prayed about. My husband, despite having doubts on how it would all work was excited about his baby boy (I had it in my heart that it was a boy) and I did so enjoy the attention that his excitement about the gift I was carrying brought to me, as our intimacy level prior to was not where I would have liked it. I kept telling myself that if God wanted to bring another life through me, then it was "His Will" and I was ready to be used. I registered on a website called babycenter.com, in order to share what was happening to my body and the weekly developments of the baby with my daughter. We spread the word of the pregnancy with all of our close friends and family, while my daughter told everyone that she could, her classmates, her fellow girl scouts, her teachers, her hairdresser--anyone who would listen! After all of the congratulatory wishes, and daily concern shown by my husband and daughter, the understanding bestowed upon me when I was too tired to do anything around the house and my husband happy to pick up the slack, I was just starting to get used to the idea. We even went back and forth on what the name would be, and I looked forward to the month of May 2010 as one that would bring forth a new beginning.
My first pre-natal check up was scheduled for Wednesday, October 14th and the day before I got into a small fender bender on the way to my daughter's school. I thought nothing of it, as there was no damage besides a slightly bent license plate and a small scratch to either vehicle. My husband could not make the appointment the next day due to some conflicts with his work schedule, so I went alone. Since my appointment was scheduled for 1:00, I figured I would work from home and then reserve the afternoon for the doctor visit. I went through all of the paperwork, took a urine test, and finally got to meet my doctor. She was young, hip, and very fun--a huge contrast to the doctor that was involved with the pregnancy of my daughter-I was excited! I had been dragging my feet and was finally going to get my prenatal pills and solidify the idea in my mind that I was really having another child. I even shared with my daughter that we might get a picture of the baby that we could hang on the refrigerator. All was going smooth, until my doctor performed her in-office ultrasound. She looked and looked, but could not find a fetus, all that she could make out was a yolk sak on the ultrasound. She seemed a bit concerned, but told me that maybe I was less than 10 weeks pregnant as they had calculated, and that she'd send me to get an emergency vaginal ultrasound immediately following my visit to do my bloodwork. It was wierd, but I am not typically the worrying type. I prayed and realized that my husband kept calling my cell phone to see how the visit was going. I finally called him on my way to the lab and told him what the doctor told me--he, of course, was very concerned. I assured him that I would keep him posted once I got to the imaging center and went on my way. The center was extremely crowded that afternoon, and I had to wait at least an hour to be seen. During the wait, I sent out a text message to my close family and friends to share what was going on. I was calm and I felt the Holy Spirit whisper the scripture of James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing yo your faith develops perseverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
When the tech finally called me back, I was ready. She started off with the normal smalltalk around how many children I have now, asking if I wanted a boy or girl, etc. While I was on the table with the machine pushed against the wall, I could see to my right the same pictures that my doctor saw in her office--there was a yolk sak, but no fetus. The tech did the best she could to keep talking as if nothing was wrong, but I knew in my heart what was wrong and now had to wait for the official confirmation by my doctor once she received the results. I then had to go back into the waiting area for another half hour before I was finally called into a tiny room with a phone and a chair to hear the news. My doctor described it as my body knowing that something was not right in the development and ceasing the process on its own. The confusing part was when did the process stop and why did I still look and have the pregnancy symptoms? I was then told that I had the choice of letting my body officially miscarry on its own which could take up to a month or so, or preparing for a d & c procedure to remove the yolk sak from my uterus. If I chose the latter, then I would need to come to her office on Friday for one blood test and we could then schedule the procedure. Ok God, What is this????? I was officially confused.
I will continue next time with what my decision was, dealing with my emotions, and finally sharing the news with everyone, especially my daughter.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
My Plight in Coporate America- not what I expected!
From the young age of 24 and a manager at Enterprise Rent-A-Car to multiple medical sales positions to my current position with at&t, I have had tumultuous experiences in Corporate America. Despite being a very good sales person, I have long discovered that it takes much more of a self-sacrifice to excell in corporate america than to simply be good at your job. One has to be willing to play the "game", including pretending to admire and respect those in the corporate heirarchy, and to remember to NOT voice an opinion if it contradicts the corporate culture--even if it's done upon request-- as it comes back to haunt you! One has to be willing to become a cookie-cutter by-product of what the corporation wants to see, instead of an individual respected for one's own fresh ideas and thoughts. One has to be prepared for the managers who are intimidated by your talents, who one day are in your corner and throw you to the wolves the next in order to save their own jobs. The short term pressure to succeed in this environment trumps one's ability to devise a plan for long-term success. No matter what position that I am in I have always had the fortitude to figure out how to creatively work smart to attain the same results or better than others who consistently burn the candles at both ends. The mere fact that I want to acheive results my own way and not to follow an a to z plan devised by those far removed from the sales process has consistently caused me to be ostricized by the so called leaders of the organization. There is the impossible quest placed upon a sales consultant to keep customers happy while a bureaucratic, administratively intense system simply precludes it. It's a place where building a successful territory would include referrals from satisfied customers, however problematic implentation processes impede the satisfaction of new customers, and a limited, pre-defined territory thwarts many opportunities to grow fruitful, warm new business.
I have known since about seven years into my plight in corporate america that despite early beliefs, I was made to own my own business and not to work for someone else-I'm an entrepreneur! I am far too opinionated, I want to see an organization that focuses on people first and their development and then on the bottom line- as I know that the bottom line is positively impacted when individuals believe that the organization cares about them as people first and respect them enough to empower them to help contribute to the bottom line of the organization. To have all employees share in the winnings of the organization monetarily and to be kept abreast as to how every action by every employee impacts the overall results. To have a balance of work and family--something that is inherently missing from today's corporate positions--especially for working mothers. I'd like to use this forum to bring together other folks like me, who have the desire to be an entrepreneur--let's use the challenges as ammunition to get it done for ourselves, our families, and our communities.
I have known since about seven years into my plight in corporate america that despite early beliefs, I was made to own my own business and not to work for someone else-I'm an entrepreneur! I am far too opinionated, I want to see an organization that focuses on people first and their development and then on the bottom line- as I know that the bottom line is positively impacted when individuals believe that the organization cares about them as people first and respect them enough to empower them to help contribute to the bottom line of the organization. To have all employees share in the winnings of the organization monetarily and to be kept abreast as to how every action by every employee impacts the overall results. To have a balance of work and family--something that is inherently missing from today's corporate positions--especially for working mothers. I'd like to use this forum to bring together other folks like me, who have the desire to be an entrepreneur--let's use the challenges as ammunition to get it done for ourselves, our families, and our communities.
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