The Pain and Confusion of My Miscarriage

My husband and I have been through some rough times over the past 5 years.  I expected that we'd have some major challenges, because God whispered to me before we even got married that our marriage would be a ministry to others.  The plot is by the enemy to STEAL, KILL and DESTROY before we can reach our destiny.  Anyway, 71/2 years ago, we were blessed with our wonderful daughter.  After having her as an only child for so long, I teetered with the idea of having another--speaking to myself with jargon such as "am I cut out for more than one child?" "it's much more acceptable these days to have an only child", etc.

About 31/2 years ago, we decided (I was scared out of my mind) to try to have another and I stopped taking birth control.  I kept saying to myself that it was "God's will", because one day I would be excited, and the next I was indifferent, despite the fact that I knew that both my husband and daughter were exuberant behind the idea.  My daughter yearned to be a 'big sister" and my husband wanted a second chance to raise a baby boy.  A year passed, and we did not get pregnant.  I remember going to the gynecologist and her asking if we wanted to run some tests to determine the possible challenge.  I again decided that it was "God's will" and maybe he was telling us that we should adopt or become foster parents later on.  As trials kept appearing in our marriage, I felt it was a blessing that we never became pregnant.  Fast forward to September 2009, after a tumultuous summer, the roughest financial situation we've ever faced, and the season in my marriage where we're both simply holding on and trying to make it through.  I discover to my surprise that I am 4 weeks pregnant!  What is God doing?  I kept thinking to myself that HE has a plan that I obviously know nothing about.  We had pretty much given up on the idea and since we hadn't conceived in such a long time, had not thought twice about my going back on birth control.  As you can imagine, I went through a spectrum of emotions: fear of how it all was going to work with our current finances and one child already in private school; wonder of how God was going to use this in my marriage with all of the ongoing challenges we were facing; fear of starting over with a newborn after so much time had passed; and at the same time, my daughter was ecstatic! She finally could become the big sister she had prayed about. My husband, despite having doubts on how it would all work was excited about his baby boy (I had it in my heart that it was a boy) and I did so enjoy the attention that his excitement about the gift I was carrying brought to me, as our intimacy level prior to was not where I would have liked it.   I kept telling myself that if God wanted to bring another life through me, then it was "His Will" and I was ready to be used.  I registered on a website called babycenter.com, in order to share what was happening to my body and the weekly developments of the baby with my daughter.  We spread the word of the pregnancy with all of our close friends and family, while my daughter told everyone that she could, her classmates, her fellow girl scouts, her teachers, her hairdresser--anyone who would listen!  After all of the congratulatory wishes, and daily concern shown by my husband and daughter, the understanding bestowed upon me when I was too tired to do anything around the house and my husband happy to pick up the slack, I was just starting to get used to the idea.  We even went back and forth on what the name would be, and I looked forward to the month of May 2010 as one that would bring forth a new beginning.

 My first pre-natal check up was scheduled for Wednesday, October 14th and the day before I got into a small fender bender on the way to my daughter's school.  I thought nothing of it, as there was no damage besides a slightly bent license plate and a small scratch to either vehicle. My husband could not make the appointment the next day due to some conflicts with his work schedule, so I went alone.  Since my appointment was scheduled for 1:00, I figured I would work from home and then reserve the afternoon for the doctor visit.  I went through all of the paperwork, took a urine test, and finally got to meet my doctor.  She was young, hip, and very fun--a huge contrast to the doctor that was involved with the pregnancy of my daughter-I was excited!  I had been dragging my feet and was finally going to get my prenatal pills and solidify the idea in my mind that I was really having another child.  I even shared with my daughter that we might get a picture of the baby that we could hang on the refrigerator.  All was going smooth, until my doctor performed her in-office ultrasound.  She looked and looked, but could not find a fetus, all that she could make out was a yolk sak on the ultrasound.  She seemed a bit concerned, but told me that maybe I was less than 10 weeks pregnant as they had calculated, and that she'd send me to get an emergency vaginal ultrasound immediately following my visit to do my bloodwork.  It was wierd, but I am not typically the worrying type.  I prayed and realized that my husband kept calling my cell phone to see how the visit was going. I finally called him on my way to the lab and told him what the doctor told me--he, of course, was very concerned.  I assured him that I would keep him posted once I got to the imaging center and went on my way.  The center was extremely crowded that afternoon, and I had to wait at least an hour to be seen.  During the wait, I sent out a text message to my close family and friends to share what was going on.  I was calm and I felt the Holy Spirit whisper the scripture of James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing yo your faith develops perseverance.  Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." 

When the tech finally called me back, I was ready.  She started off with the normal smalltalk around how many children I have now, asking if I wanted a boy or girl, etc.  While I was on the table with the machine pushed against the wall, I could see to my right the same pictures that my doctor saw in her office--there was a yolk sak, but no fetus.  The tech did the best she could to keep talking as if nothing was wrong, but I knew in my heart what was wrong and now had to wait for the official confirmation by my doctor once she received the results.  I then had to go back into the waiting area for another half hour before I was finally called into a tiny room with a phone and a chair to hear the news.  My doctor described it as my body knowing that something was not right in the development and ceasing the process on its own.  The confusing part was when did the process stop and why did I still look and have the pregnancy symptoms?  I was then told that I had the choice of letting my body officially miscarry on its own which could take up to a month or so, or preparing for a d & c procedure to remove the yolk sak from my uterus.  If I chose the latter, then I would need to come to her office on Friday for one blood test and we could then schedule the procedure. Ok God, What is this?????  I was officially confused.

I will continue next time with what my decision was, dealing with my emotions, and finally sharing the news with everyone, especially my daughter.